Shop Bleach TV
by CaliforniacationNation25
Summary: The only place where your favorite characters are here to sell iconic items from the manga and anime to you! Through any means, yes, any means! Offers, discounts, two for ones, anything! And if you read this in teh next half hour, you get a cookie! GO!
1. Eye to Eye

Hello, I am Sosuke Aizen. You may remember me for being a big bas***rd as I back stabbed the people I cared most about, or cared most about me. You may even remember that I even tried to kill the girl who trusted me with her life and more. You may know that right now I am trying to rule the world and am against Ichigo Kurosaki. He is the main character so he is eventually going to win. Well, enough about that because today I have an offer for you! I am not here to talk about my backstabbing, evil, untrustworthy ways. No! I am here to talk to you about what you are seeing right here!

You may be wondering to yourself, "What am I looking at right here?" or "Who is this crazy dude talking about killing on my TV set?" If it is question two, I can't answer that. However, I do have an answer for the first one! That is the whole point! What you are looking at is bad vision. I have to wear these glasses the whole time throughout the whole series. Do you have bad eye vision too? Well call

123-456 BLEACH GLASSES AIZEN

NOW! And if you do, you get the exact, used on the spot, impossible to replace and more… replica of my glasses! Dozens of identical, one-of-a-kind replica of my glasses right here. Only for the price of $7.28! So go and call now!

123-456 BLEACH GLASSES AIZEN

WAIT! If you call in the next six minutes and forty seconds, while I am here filling up the details of a death on my Death Note, you get two glasses for the price of one! WHAT! Two glasses for the price of one, I got to be kidding on this offer! And I am! No, seriously, two glasses for 7.28! TWO GLASSES FOR 17.28 DOLLARS! You must be telling all the dudes around you about this offer! If you aren't, go do it now, or the next death will be yours! Seriously, the number is…

123-456 BLEACH GLASSES AIZEN!

And remember not to mix it up with BLEACH GLASSES TOSEN! _That piece of crap trying to out sell me with his lousy glasses. I'll show him! _Now… on with the program. OH! It looks like we are almost out of time; well let me cash you in on one of our best offers! A

Sorry, this infomercial has taken to much time. Please enjoy the rest of your day, thank you! And sorry for any disturbances!

Wait, just one last offer!


	2. Battle of the Sake

Hello, I am Matsumoto! These are my friends and sake group, Izuru and Shuuhei! Today, we are going to talk to you about sake! All kinds of sake! Sake, sake, sake, sake! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SAKE!

Sorry, about that! Hi, I am Izuru. The sake you always see us drink, well, now you can drink it to.

Dude, are you serious! Hi, I am Shuuhei and right now I am listening to the best offer there is for this sake! The Sake of Matsumoto, Shuuhei AND Izuru! WOAH! Only for… what, $10.00! You got to be kidding me on this amazing offer! I

**STATIC**

NO! What you need is Shunshui sake! It is only $9.00, way better then all sakes, especially Matsumoto, Shuuhei and Izuru's! Just call

456-789 BLEACH SAKE SHUNSHUI!

NOW! Before they get back on the

**STATIC!**

Where were we… ahem! Did we say $10.00? We meant $5.00!

Dude, you got to be kidding on this offer. I'm serious dude, make it $7.00, $7.00 at least.

NO! Call now for a $5.00 sake! CALL!

69 BLEACH SAKE SHUUHEI

Wait, where's my name!

**STATIC**

Two for one, two sake's for the price of $8.00, unlike other people's two for $10.00! Call now and get the world's best sake! SHUNSHUI FOREVER!

**STATIC**

THREE FOR ONE! Three sake's for $5.00, the best sake for this price is what you want! Call now and get this once in a lifetime offer!

69 BLEACH SAKE SUUHEI

**STATIC**

Get ten for one!

**STATIC**

Twenty for one! Right here!

**STATIC**

Get all our supply for one!

STATIC

Get all OUR supply for the price of one!

69 BLEACH SAKE SUUHEI

Ahh, we are getting a call right now. [Picks up phone] Yeah, okay… GREAT!

**STATIC**

Get all OUR supply and their supply for my price!

456-789 BLEACH SAKE SUNSHUI

**STATIC**

That was you! You cheating bast**rd! That's low and cheap! When I get my hands on you!

**STATIC**

Yes, exactly, it is cheap! Huh? Matsumoto? What are you doing here? Wait! Don't touch the sake! Holy shit, you drank it all! Give it back!

**STATIC**

Shunshui you are so dead, okay! Here we are… what the hell! Matsumoto what are you doing!

**STATIC**

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SAKEEEE!

**STATIC**

MATSUMOTO! YOUR PAPERWORK!

**STATIC**

SHIT! I'll take the sake! WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!


	3. Hair ORNAMENTS

Hi, I'm Byakuya Kuchiki! Okay, I'm sorry. I cannot do this happy cheery with the thumbs up thing. I'll just go straight to the point. I am hear to talk to you about Hair Care… Yes, it rhymes. My fan mail is flooded with people asking about my hair ORNAMENTS, not curlers. Hair ORNAMENTS, it's a sign of nobility okay! With all that fan mail, I was told to start to sell them for a profit. Let's try this smiley thing again.

 For the price of $40.00, you can get these golden hair ornaments! PURE GOLD!  Crap, this is like Gin's smile. Sigh… Call right now!

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA that's 911-111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

Call now! Seriously, call now. Or else I will have to unleash the power of Senbonzakura on you. I know where you live… so call already.

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

Wait! We have an offer for you! We do! Wait, nobody told me I would be giving offers for my hair curlers, I mean ornaments! Okay, okay. Uh… It says here that, holy! Two for one, can we afford that! Okay… my manager, yes I have a manager, said that we could afford a two for one sale if you call right now.

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

And, if you call now… WHAT! Another offer, this is getting dumb. Fine, fine… You get… BYAKUYA KUCHIKI HAIR SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER! Who created this! I am so going to kill them! Stop making fun of my hair. Wait, what… RENJI! YOU CREATED THE SHAMPOO AND CONDITIONER! When I get my hands on…!

Hi, sorry about that. Call

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

Now to get that Shampoo and Conditioner that we are offering plus the two for one offer. So go call now so…

You can't be actually be buying that crap! That's a fake recording! A FAKE recording! Where did you get that! RENJI! Oh yeah…

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

Who put that HAIR in that… let me guess? Now I know why Hitsugaya-kun keeps his vice-captain of such a short leash!

Again, it's

911 – 111 BLEACH HAIR BYAKUYA

STOP IT WITH THE FAKE RECORDING!


	4. Emo Sigh

Hi, I am Ulquiorra Schiffer and today I have an offer for you. How do you like to by exact replicas of my mask. Only for the price of $9.28, that's all you have to pay. Plus you get this emo pill our scientists have been working for a long time.

ME!

Szayel, please go. Ah… Yes, all you have to do is call

666 BLEACH EMO ULQUIORRA

Please, not to mistake it for

666 NARUTO EMO SASUKE

Thank you. Oh… wait; we have another offer for you. If you call the number right now, we will give these limited supply Ulquiorra action figures. They come in different styles. There is the happy Ulquiorra, 0_o, the sad Ulquiorra, 0_o, the angry Ulquiorra, 0_o, and of course the plain Ulquiorra, 0_o. So call

666 BLEACH EMO ULQUIORRA

The action figures also have a button in which they talk. "I am happy", "I am sad", "I am angry" and "I am feeling no emotion at all" all in the same tone. So, that's the mask, the emo pill and the action figure all for $9.28, just $9.28.

666 BLEACH EMO ULQUIORRA

Look at these children playing with my action figures.

"I like this doll, I'm going to put a dress and hair accessories and…"

Ah… wrong clip. They are action figures, not dolls. Any way…

666 BLEACH EMO ULQUIORRA

Oh, and if you see a large cat with blue hair walking around with a ton of catnip, please call the same number.

666 BLEACH EMO ULQUIORRA

If you are outside the Hueco mundo region please add an 11 before the call. Thank you.


	5. Pirate Life for Me

Uh… hi, I'll try an author note for this one. Please review this; my goal is to get fifty reviews. I know it's a big goal but, "If you aim for the sun and miss, at least you land on the moon! Right!" Thanks for all the reviews so far. I know my characters are OOC; I'm trying to fix that. My friend also writes fan fiction and my friend is really good in being in character. My friends helped me on this one, so please comment! Thanks!

BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY! BUY!

Yachiru, we haven't even told them the product!

If we earn money can I get candy!

We have to do this stupid commercial because you used up the 11th Division budget for your stupid candy.

But I want CANDY! I'll ask Byakushi for candy, is that okay Kenny!

Whatever, then it'll be his problem. Ah, anyway! We spent all night making this idea… eye patches! Get eye patches that look exactly like mine.

EXCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPT they don't have super powers!

Yeah, whatever. All for the price of $2.00!

WHAT, ONLY $2.00, I'll never get my candy if it's $2.00 an eye patch. Kenny! You're so cheap!

Hey, Yumichika and Ikkaku made the price for the eye patch! They added all the cloth, the labor and whatever costs are needed and they got $5.00, we need $3.00 each eye patch to keep the 11th Division fund, so 5 – 3 = 2. $2.00 an eye patch!

Oh, once you have math involved everything gets clearer! OH, my line's next! CALL

11 BLEACH EYE KENPACHI

Wait! How about my name Kenny! Where's my name!

My name your candy, happy?

Yeah, very happy!

And, we have another offer! If you buy now you get replicas of my bells, for free!

HEY! Even with the math, free bells! That's too much!

Nobody would buy if we only put eye patches for sale, so we put bells too. The survey said so.

Let me see the survey! GIMME! GIMME! Okay, let's see…

**YUMICHIKA: Offer Pink Eye Patches**

**IKKAKU: What he said ********Yumichika I mean, except if it's something dumb like, I dunno, pink eye patches. Yeah. Guess he'll never do that.**

**BYAKUYA: I don't care**

**ICHIGO: Whatever**

**KENPACHI: Add bells**

Okay, we add bells to the offer and people will buy and I get my CANDY! That's what the survey said, people want bells! RIGHT! CANDY! CANDY! YAY! Everyone's happy!

Except for our buyers, what idiots to buy such lame merchandise from a crappy… SHIT! Were filming!

KENNY! You're bad at this! Just call

11 BLEACH EYE KENPACHI

CALL NOW! CALL NOW! I WANT MY CANDY!

Nobody's calling yet Yachiru, relax a little!

BUT I WANT MY CANDY NOW! I know, let's go to Byakushi's place, maybe he'll buy an eye patch and I get my candy! Or, he could give me candy!

Hey, anything's good. I guess. To the 6th Division Head Quarters.

YAY! BYAKUSHI, WE'RE COMING!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Oh dear!

What is it Mr. Kuchiki-taichou

By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicked this way comes. Let's get out of here Renji! To the 4th Division Head Quarters!

Huh? Why?

Knowing Kenpachi, Unohana is the only one who can save us now! Quick, they're close!

And, that's it. I know the last part isn't part of the commercial but I just couldn't help myself! Please review this! THANKS!


	6. Food Frenzy

Hi everyone! It's me, Orihime Inoue. People have been asking for the recipes I make in Bleach, mainly Matsumoto-chan. So today, I am going to show you and demonstrate from my book "_Orihime at Home_" Buy the book now for $25.00. My book has sold seven copies worldwide! I hope it get's better after this. My cookbook sold more copies in Uzbekistanzinia then Bobby Flay's Mesa Grill Cookbook! I know, five copies versus two copies! At least I got somewhere! Well, you can call the number right here for a copy of _Orihime at Home_…

112, no, 113, no 111, yes… 111 BLEACH ORHIME COOK

Please buy it! It's only $25.00! My book contains recipes like my famous "Seaweed, Soy Sauce Ice Cream, Fish Surprise". Matsumoto-chan says it's really good! Oh, I hope Kurosaki-kun likes it; I'm baking it for his birthday. Yeah, it's a cake, what else could "Seaweed, Soy Sauce Ice Cream, Fish Surprise" be? So

111 BLEACH ORIHIME COOK

If you buy it now I can take of $5.00 from the price! YAY! Then it would only be $20.00 for everyone! "Bean Paste and Rice Bun", "Black Bean Soy Burger" and many others!

111 BLEACH ORIHIME COOK

Many other dishes include:

"Ice Cream Lasagna" Matsumoto-chan's favorite pasta now!

"Fish Paste Parfait" Matsumoto-chan loves this for dessert!

"Sushi Cake" Matsumoto-chan asked me to make this for her birthday!

"Cheese ice-Cream Cake" this is Matsumoto-chan's favorite ice cream now!

And many more you can only find in my cookbook!

111 BLEACH ORIHIME COOK

Also, if you buy now, you get an apron with me on it! It's pink and has my name on it, "Orihime" right on top of my picture! I can't wait for the lines to start getting busy!

111 BLEACH ORIHIME COOK!

Now, my "Banana Meat Steak" should be done for Ichigo! OH, I hope he like's apples!


End file.
